Compassionate Writer on Substack
Blog: Essays
When Grief Resurfaces in Uncertain Times
Like so many of you, I have been thrust almost instantly into a new way of living, working, and communicating with my family and friends. Although I’ve always considered myself to be a very adaptable and flexible person, changing nearly everything all at once due to the pandemic has made me question that.
The Other 99,999
I woke up in the morning worried. I worried all through the day. I worried when I went to bed.
Every single day, my entire day was lived in anticipation of the 10 to 12 times my heartbeat would skip. It started just a few months before, with that first incident of an irregular heartbeat, when the doctor assigned to my case came to my hospital bedside and made his pronouncement:
You have atrial fibrillation. You have a high risk of stroke. If we can’t control it with medication, we will have to use the defibrillator to give you a shock.
I was 35 years old. This was not supposed to be happening.
Haiku: A Compassionate Bridge to Your Creativity and Your Voice
Recently, I created a challenge on my social media channels — The 2-Week Haiku Challenge. This challenge is for people who are writers, creatives, entrepreneurs, and others who are in need of a boost of creativity, community, and connection to their voice. And, it’s also for people who just like writing haikus. (Surprisingly there aren’t as many of you haiku-lovers as I expected, but I think I’ve just upped the percentage by a whole bunch with this challenge!)
Staying Grounded in the Present Moment with Gratitude
Right now, I am leaning a lot on GRATITUDE. There is a lot of research out there around how expressing gratitude affects your personal happiness. As humans, we are wired to avoid pain and move towards the things that make us feel good. Sometimes the things we move towards are not in our best interest. However, there are some simple practices we can use to move towards feeling good that our in our best interest, even when situations are difficult.
To See or Be Seen?
How often do we show the world what we think it expects to see?
a loyal employee, a smart businesswoman, a friendly customer service agent, a knowledgable teacher, a friendly Uber rider, a supportive friend, a sweet daughter, a helpful coworker, a dependable spouse
My Grandmother as My Perfect Nurturer
I think about my grandmother all of the time these days. I still have the vanity dresser that she gave to me when I was 13 years old. It’s a focal point in my adult bedroom, just as it was in my teenage bedroom. It’s part of the set that my grandfather bought for them when they were first married in 1927.
I remember when it was in their house on Clinton Heights and it lived in the “green room” — that’s what we called the room with the two twin beds and the double bed, which was of course, green. Oh, that room! That’s where we cousins were jumping one afternoon from bed-to-bed-to-bed-to-loveseat-to-hopechest-back-to-the-bed-again and where on one of those fateful leaps I fell and broke my arm… but that’s another story. The vanity dresser sat in the dormer alcove of that room and it was the perfect little space for it. There was good light from the window and you felt nestled in and protected.
HOW YOU CAN USE YOUR GUILT TO ENGAGE IN ANTIRACISM (and why your self-focused shame isn't helping anyone)
"ALLIES: NOW IS THE TIME TO BE IN THE SERVICE OF BLACK LIBERATION. LIMIT YOUR RESPONSE TO WHAT IS OF REAL, TANGIBLE HELP TO US. GIVE MONEY, CALL YOUR REPS, PROTECT BLACK PEOPLE AT PROTESTS, ELEVATE OUR WORK AND VOICES. DON'T MAKE US SWIM THROUGH YOUR TEARS WHILE WE FIGHT." ~ IJEOMA OLUO
I’m a White millennial female psychologist working in New York City. In the wake of the modern-day lynching of Ahmaud Arbery and the police’s public execution of George Floyd and senseless murdering of Breonna Taylor and many other Black Americans, I've noticed something about how my White clients and I are struggling with how to take antiracist action and how to confront our complicity with racism. I’ve noticed that even very well-intentioned. White people who are dedicated to fighting racial injustice can get caught up in wrestling with their shame, rather than focusing on taking meaningful action. I want to talk about why our shame isn’t helping anyone.
Permission To Be Human
It is something we often talk about in a longing way…
“I wish we just had time to slow down and be together.” Or “We are never all home at the same time!” And now, for the past couple of months (depending on where you live), EVERYONE is home ALL THE TIME. Only, this isn’t the “slowing down” we were talking about, right? So, what do we do now that we are all home- TOGETHER- in new, uncertain, unplanned for circumstances with so many questions, feelings, and fears running around in our heads and hearts?
In Positive Psychology we talk a lot about the parts of our life we can “control.” It’s a short list really – I can control: what I feel, what I think, and what I do. That’s it. That is the list.
Words = Meaning + Intention
Words are important —
Their meanings and intentions.
I will defend them.
Helping Children Handle Strong Emotions
Chris Fraser is a mental health therapist with children and families with over 25 years of experience. In this video Chris shares practical tools and useful wisdom that children can use to calm their worries during this time of quarantine and beyond. Once worries are calmed and cared for Chris teaches that the worries can just go along for the ride as children learn to take action on those things they care about or need to do.
No Wonder It Does Not Spark Joy!
I work with many clients with hoarding challenges. They have helped me to see and heal the 'hoarder' in me and others who come to see me NOT because of hoarding. I will use my own examples to clarify what I mean, and hope parts of this article resonate and are helpful for you:
I came from an academic background. 'Researcher' used to be my identity. Being someone skilled at conducting research still constitutes part of my self-value today, even though I have acquired a new identity as a therapist. Early this year I applied for a research grant to conduct a clinical trial on hoarding. However, my proposal was not funded, and the comments I received felt hurtful and hard to swallow. A week after getting these comments, I found myself saying yes and engaging in a dozen professional projects of various scales - I felt pride and heard my inner chatter saying, “I don't need the useless grant to do what I CAN do!” Anger was with me.
I've Been Holding Out on You... and Myself
Recently, it was lovingly and assertively brought to my attention by my coach that I’ve been holding out on all of you, and myself. I’ve been keeping quiet about one of the most important things about my business: who I work with, and ultimately, what I do.
Ouch!
I felt that sting. I let it sink in for a moment, and in that space -- that place of pause, I knew she was right.
Every quarter I contribute an essay to Elan Vitae Magazine. For Spring 2024, I wrote an essay entitled “Phosphorescent,” which was inspired by my March 2024 blog. (If you are curious, you can read that HERE.)
Every issue has a theme, and the Spring 2024 theme is Light. I love to create some contstraint when writing—these guardrails give you a place to start—but when I first thought about Light as a starting place, it confounded me. There were so many ways I could go with this essay—not much constraint there!